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Thread: Abused Child

  1. #1
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    Abused Child

    Abused Child

    furious striking screeches drench the helpless child
    solid tamptrom aimed and insisted on whipping wild
    tattered and bruised, aching bones leave a cringe
    open wounds of bloody ooze, coverd in a dirty seringe
    father upsettingly boils up, creating eruption of a beast
    7 year old victim abused, fight back?....Try at least
    everyday conflicted and insisted on hitting perfusely
    hiding in cornered rooms, ignoring the smacking of tooshee
    reason's clueless and unfound, whiplash out of anger
    abuse builds up, solo striking creates a crazy strangler
    mother cannot stop it, for she is deeply afraid of him
    hitman conclusions ?.....theory of shell pay for him
    young child throbbing in open pain, no where to go
    cowardly boxed in, unabled to let the fury and pain show
    relatives distant, familys torn apart from dads act
    raped and molested is future..............A sad fact
    quick decisions of escape run wild, headed to a goal
    they creep the hallway, open wallet and money we stole
    journey of freedom breezed the windows of the car
    while still staring viciously at father, from a far

  2. #2
    Live, Love, Burn, Die
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    I enjoyed reading this piece. It had some emotion in it. The vocab and structure was on point. I think you should do a follow up on what the child and mother did after the escape. Like where did they go and what not.

  3. #3
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    Word.

    Will do that maybe later today....If im in the writing mood

    Thnks for the feed though, Up

  4. #4
    Banned Da Grinda's Avatar
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    Yea this piece was cool. Good story, I could actualy picture the mother in my head, and she's hot. But as Duval said, I would like to know about after they escaped. Good piece man. RTF in my sig.

  5. #5
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    This was cool. It was wierd at the beggining with the imagery but it was still vague. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Seemed like you rushed the ending a little, but this was a decent little piece. Keep up the work.
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  6. #6
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    You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

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  8. #8
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    Uppin.

  9. #9
    Word Of Mouth Kaotic Theory's Avatar
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    word it was quite nice for this topic,the vocab was cool cus at times you's use a highly vocab but in others ud use word that a little boy would say and that gave this piece personality,imagery was real nice,the emotion in this was so true and real and at times heart felt because there are children out there suffering and its fucked up....nice view on things man
    AI

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  10. #10
    very emotional piece!! i like it!! different style bt works!!! feelin this blood!!

  11. #11
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    This was a good read, pretty complex. imagery was well painted in this piece. some decent vocab. I think if you stretched you're lines out a bit more it would flow better...other than that it was good 8 /10

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