Hey there!

It looks like you're enjoying Rap Battles Forum but haven't created an account yet. Why not take a minute to register for your own free account now? As a member you get free access to all of our forums and posts plus the ability to post your own messages, communicate directly with other members and much more. Register now!

Already a member? Login at the top of this page to stop seeing this message.

User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: A verse from heaven

  1. #1
    Is Back Archilleez's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    39
    Posts
    920
    Battle Record
    30-8

    A verse from heaven

    A verse from heaven


    I stare into the deep blue sky, As pure white clouds pass me by,
    A sense of uncontaminated oxygen, that perfect could never defy,
    As im walking through the clouds, a faded figure in the distance,
    Becomes clearer with my every step, such a beautiful existance,
    A white dress that would touch the floor, shoulder length brunette hair,
    Transparant wings trimmed in gold, and diamonds ever so rare,
    I realise im facing an angel, my bodys becoming delerious,
    She starts to approach me slowly, looking peaceful yet mysterious,
    As she kneels in the clouds beside me, she suggest we kneel together,
    I begin to down nevously, as she shows me a scroll with a feather,
    She proceeds to write words vigorously, there invisible which makes me think,
    It makes sense when places her feather, in a bottled labelled eternal ink,
    She takes a candle that lights automatically, continues writing by the flame,
    I get chills as the text becomes visible, she starts to spell out my name,
    I become up-tight and try to stand, but she gently grips my hand,
    She explains the situation was inevitable, for years she'd had this planned,
    She shared with me facts about Satan, there unrepeatable so unforgiving,
    Leaning forward she whispered in my ear, 'hell is actually where your living'
    The experience was unforgetable, i now realise i was lucky to be selected,
    The angel promised if i fulfilled her dreams, i would forever be protected,
    She stared at me eye to eye, asked me to pass a hidden message on to earth,
    You yourself have helped to fulfill her dreams, by reading through this angels verse.
    LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON THESE OPEN BATTLES - LEAVE A LINK AND I WILL LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON YOURS

    Archilleez VS Elljay B

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  2. #2
    Is Back Archilleez's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    39
    Posts
    920
    Battle Record
    30-8
    This was my first OM... So i will appreciate any comments or feedback and criticism.
    Pz
    LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON THESE OPEN BATTLES - LEAVE A LINK AND I WILL LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON YOURS

    Archilleez VS Elljay B

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    39
    Posts
    116
    The vocabulary is really good, and it all flows well. There's a distinct meaning to the piece, which is always good, so you're not simply blabbing without context. It's possible that it could be a little better in some places, add in some emotion. But overall, I think it's pretty damned good, although it's certainly more poetic than a straightforward rap. Nice poetry at that. Good piece.

    Could you leave feed on my piece Let's Clear The Air

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=253094

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  4. #4
    Banned
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    5,480
    Battle Record
    12-1
    this was tight...topic was creatvie and i liked it.....
    flow was smooth and strucutre was very even
    vocab was pretty complex.......and good too
    overall this was tight..keep it up.............
    peace

  5. #5
    Is Back Archilleez's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    39
    Posts
    920
    Battle Record
    30-8
    thanks for the feed...
    any vets wanna point me in the right direction? or attempt to at least?
    LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON THESE OPEN BATTLES - LEAVE A LINK AND I WILL LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON YOURS

    Archilleez VS Elljay B

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  6. #6
    Is Back Archilleez's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    39
    Posts
    920
    Battle Record
    30-8
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=253181

    ^linkage...
    and upping for some feedback plz and some pointers maybe?
    LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON THESE OPEN BATTLES - LEAVE A LINK AND I WILL LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON YOURS

    Archilleez VS Elljay B

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  7. #7
    UGK
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    At home
    Posts
    6,094
    Battle Record
    3-3
    say champ, you need two links.

    still, i liked the concept and not bad for your first OM. it flow'd pretty well and had a good meaning and shit. i liked that and the vocab usage wasn't that bad either. keep that shit up. i see you having some pretty good pieces in the future, just keep elevating.

  8. #8
    Is Back Archilleez's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    39
    Posts
    920
    Battle Record
    30-8
    thanks for the feedback...
    also, my bad.
    i didnt post 2 links earlier:

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...97#post3537897
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=253181
    LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON THESE OPEN BATTLES - LEAVE A LINK AND I WILL LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON YOURS

    Archilleez VS Elljay B

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  9. #9
    Is Back Archilleez's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    39
    Posts
    920
    Battle Record
    30-8
    Only the last time im upping this...
    But any feed would be appreciated.
    LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON THESE OPEN BATTLES - LEAVE A LINK AND I WILL LEAVE AN HONEST VOTE ON YOURS

    Archilleez VS Elljay B

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Kansas City
    Age
    40
    Posts
    108
    you painted the image in my head flawlessly.
    your vocab was complex, rhymes were slick,
    pretty damn imaginative if ya ask me.
    <br>
    <img src="http://img320.imageshack.us/img320/5597/tiac1mm.jpg">
    <br>
    "i clip off the peaks of stronger signals like an electronic limiter, sometimes its necessary to look harder within your circle to redefine its perimiter, a fool proof way to accomplish this would be to use the equasion pi R squared where R equals the radius of the feelings you've shared with a class of the worst of the most emotionally-impaired." <br> ---- <br> The Maine Mang Shizzy Brane Insane Corner o' Quindaro Slanging dat 'Cane.
    <br>
    <br>

  11. #11
    Young spitta
    Guest
    danm u rhymes are sick itz real creative and i like the way u made ur words flowed wit the topic

  12. #12
    i really liked the imagery of this. i def had pictures flyin around in my head while readin. and yea, yer vocab was great... but you should try incorporating that great vocab into yer actual rhyme.. you seemed mainly to be rhymin the simple shit... work on rhymin multiple syllables

    not sayin it was a bad drop by any means, specially for yer first

    keep it up man

Similar Threads

  1. If there really is a heaven....
    By Mr. Key in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: February 1st, 2006, 04:40 PM
  2. Heaven above - 1 verse, drop an opinion, no hate
    By NovA - N.E.T in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: August 16th, 2004, 03:00 PM
  3. Heaven
    By MC Teck in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: March 19th, 2004, 10:24 PM
  4. Replies: 0
    Last Post: January 30th, 2004, 10:30 PM
  5. [!Heaven To Hell!]-First Verse
    By [-!F.A.T!-] in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: November 27th, 2003, 03:42 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •