Decemberlesque

[Atti]

December letters build in freerage renders
that paint gray sills and rearrange the weather;
The winds shift over subtle whims of cold rains
and we wait ... for today to bring a snowflake.

heeeeey jake, how's it going?
it's going great, such a perfect morning.
I know right? I can't wait for it to start snowing.

Trapped words wrapped under mittens and wool hats,
fingers and grasps, loose giggles in duel laugh.
Love drifts along the song of winds linger
as they share company in the seat of since winters.

I'm really glad you came jake.

She speaks soft, head lost in the street ...
her hand reaches for his; their palms finally meet.

... me too gaby, me too.

Timid hearts take trail through park east,
with beauty's sail up, truth is spinning -
undernieth the veil of new beginnings.

you've just, always been there for me ...
no matter what, you would always come.

Her head begins to rise as his eyes set in -
he sees her forehead as she gently kisses his lips.
He opens his eyes quick to catch a drifting iris,
but she's already dropped her eyelids to the site
... of their tied wrists.

I-I've have always wanted to tell you how I feel gaby,
but I didn't think you could, you could ever want me.
don't be silly, you're perfect...

A subtle brush of crimson lit the winter crush;
they painted love a slate of faded touch, as
she began to lift her head and started gazing up.

I wish you really knew me.

Her eyes rip the curtains of precaution off and,
the summer bleeds across the screaming fox hand:
caught in rusted bear traps - the blackening stop dead
and twisted melodies butcher in a screeching octave!

what's wrong jake?
... n-nothing nothing at all

As he reaches for a breath her head leaves his
and they walk to the pace of his off hearts beating;
the scene blurs then repeats - he wipes his silence,
and tries to hide the look of horror under her eyelids
but before he can gather his composure-her head lifts ...

I just wish you really knew me.

The bondage wraps slither from her pupils
like tentacles to smother the once beautiful;
now she's handcuffed to the best posts moaning!
while tears run down broken cheek bone chips -
into her open garden as blood starvs in the old sink.
She's cleaning her battered self in the fractured hours -
beneath the calcium deposits and the shattered flowers!

... gaby!
jake what's wrong!?

Their hands part as the sun rips the clouds apart
and he replays the clips of drowning hearts
on a broken record player under the sound in scars.

She drops to her knees and begins to weep
as he looks to the sky, with closed eyes and breathes.

I-I should never let you know me!

The tears dribble across her wrinkled lap;
he took her hand and lead her back into the path,
as the snowflakes rained from her soaking lashes
he took her face, and softly kissed those broken lips.

... I love you gaby.



http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5178423
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5178432

[Dyl]

Ok really well done on this great piece here my friend.It was excellent.The emotion all the way through gripped me and it was just brilliant to read.Some beautiful wording was found everywhere in this piece that described everything to the bone

Trapped words wrapped under mittens and wool hats,
fingers and grasps, loose giggles in duel laugh.
Love drifts along the song of winds linger
as they share company in the seat of since winters.

Now that was just a wonderful line.It left so much to think about and created a nice picture in your head.The storyline was well planned out and I liked the way you had them talking to each other after the lines youu wrote.You had a great ending and overall this was just HoF.You had my attention from start to finish and I really enjoyed it.Well done

-Dyl

[P. Mortuus]

Dope dope lol...quite a very good piece and i see your getting comfortable with the side dialogues which were featured last in your piece on writers block. I liked this as it gave the feel of winter whilst also connecting images of scens as such as the ones being described which usually always happend with your pieces and is one of the reasons i read them, as they really are creative and with a touch of atticusesque language it can bring a played concept to life. this is probably one of your more life like pieces which isn't as twisted or covered under many viels of metaphors. Overall, i liked it...you did make i think one spelling mistake last line 4th stanza of the narrators verse. Other than that lil blot which you can adjust i actually though this was very well written and thoroughly enjoyable......DYL has already nommed it and i reckon he was right in a way.

[ITawAPuddyKat]

[FONT=Tahoma]Atticus, just wow. This was really a good piece. It totally outshined every OM's thats out today, yesterday, two days ago. Your metaphors just the metaphors was overall perfect, it was like every little literature and topical mechanics was put all into this one piece and it seems that you took your time with it and it came out perfect. The creativity and concept of this piece was kinda un-original, cause I've seen alot of pieces and have the ending of a character dying or being murdered along with love being twisted or "I wish you knew me" Kind of shit, but your words usage and metaphors made it refreshing. Its like having the same beat common beat with refresh lyrics and it came out dope. The flow of this piece was very well put together, the tone of this piece was to me dramatic and scary you know.

The bondage wraps slither from her pupils
like tentacles to smother the once beautiful;
now she's handcuffed to the best posts moaning!
while tears run down broken cheek bone chips -
into her open garden as blood starvs in the old sink.
She's cleaning her battered self in the fractured hours -
beneath the calcium deposits and the shattered flowers!

*EDIT*

Ohhhhhhhhh, I finially know what the concept is about, thanks Atticus . Well wow, this was a toss up for me due to your metaphors. Lol. Let me take that back, the concept part. I'm tired due to feedback your piece last time and editing it now, so I'm going to end this with a happy note. Dope
[FONT]

[Phree Enterprize]

Damn, this was an awsome piece. I think it was structured perfect, the words were meaningfull, i saw the story happen. Well done..
My favorite part of this was,
"Trapped words wrapped under mittens and wool hats,
fingers and grasps, loose giggles in duel laugh."
the word choice was choice ha. the flow was strong, and again, i could see it happen.
This is Fire!

[Engivale]

this was really, really enoyable man. I hope you continue to get your due on this, I've never nominated anything for HoF and this is one of the only pieces I have ever even considered doing it on... My standards are ridiculous... I wouldn't call this perfectly written, you took some risks at times to tell your story and the flow started to become more and more dreamilike toward the end, which for me took me a little bit out of the story personally, for a while I was REALLY into this.

The flow is what catches me first, you really wrote your first 12 lines or so beautifully, the word choices and rhyme scheme were absolutely fantastic. It let up a little bit after that, but it was still good, it was only that I was holding the last part of this piece up to the first part of the piece's expectations, which were incredibly high.

Again, an enjoyable read, just very, very well done, I'm not positive this is HoF material because the flow kind of got sacrificed at some point during this, but it definitely deserves peer recognition at the very least. I just wanted you to know this was good enough to consider for HoF. Someone might beat me to the chase nominating it because like I said, I'm really indecisive if I want to nominate it right at this instant.

Good work, man, stay up and keep writing sick shit like this.

[Atti]

... up

["lil Neefy"]

It seems you've really found a fondness towards putting dialogue or some other type of speech into your poems/om's. And it seems to work out quite well if I don't say so myself. Now having said that, i'll say the usual, I really liked the metaphorical meaning in this, and the emotion was probably the best i've seen from you in a piece lately. But this one just didn't do it for me. This may be because i'm not much of a love story kind of guy? Or the whole "I wish you really knew me" just kind of kills it for me. But that is just me. I think you've pretty much set the trend around here for making new concepts with your writing, and the concept here was good, with the whole story line and such. But I just wasn't into this piece as much as your others totally based on the mushy gushy love stuff.

But as far as metaphors, emotion, vocabulary, all the content this needs, you pulled off a regular Atti. Good writing man, just wish it wasn't so blah to me.. but that is how I am, so it effected how I liked your piece.

Pz. dude.

[niggerican]

Realllll emotion dude, I felt it all the way through. It had me thinking alot about my life and stuff, and I pictured it so well. You're a really great writer, and I like reading your open mics alot. But overall, I liked it the way the format was. Switching from real conversations, and back to the peice. I agree with those above who say it should be nominated, because it was really good writing. Yeah. Bye.

[soulstice.]

yup, good pieec my man. im glad yor tranisstion to topicals wasnt bumpy.. unless you did them before VE.. and by topicals i mean like standard multies, rhyme scheme, vocabulary.. anwyay... you wve a nice story. the flow was consistant throughout the entire piece, and the switching between abstratc topical atti and emotional converstation atty was dope.. you also managed to keep your poetry signature style in this too.. so so yeh, great job.. but i knw i can see more from you, i jus sense that it isnt up to your potential, regardless, still pretty nicve.

[Celia Fate]

I like that you puttin all these other speaches and comments into your shit lately... It really seems to be workin for you Brownnumber18: oh like dialogue to break things up? Yeah thats the word i was lookin for... lol But word yeah i thought this was a very good read. The flow threwout the whole read was nice and smooth and the transitions was smooth aswell... Your emotion and imagery was very felt in this one.. and i know i could be like everyone else that usually replys and say that you cant do so much better and arnt living up to your potential but fuck them.. they stupid anyways.. keep writing and doin ya thing.

[Atti]

... up

[bobericc_lyrics]

this was truelly remarkable, i liked the poetical tip you got into, the wording was intriguing. and the structure made it a very easy read, the vocab was dillectable, hehe, i seen some in depth imagery there too, i could picture the frosty dry winter day, then when shes in his arms it starts to snow, pretty good actually. the flow was slim and it had multis which gave it a nice slangin feelin to it. all in all, the story line btw jake and gaby was great in the emotion.

[Atti]

thanks for all of the feedback everyone.

[The Vortex]

did like the opening poem . imagery rolled quite nicely..had some intersting rhymes also. the whole concept was deliverd quite strangely i reckon. in a good way that is.....


all in all i say the imagery made this a good read and also the delivery although standard in certain aspecvts was also very good
had sort of a warped story effect i'd say in my view neway



thats all from me
so drop a line or 2 on this link

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312618


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