Sniff n Spliff

[Mag...]

This is probably the most personal thing ive written in a long time... it's all real

I'm spendin life blendin in and sendin lies
defendin mine and hopin that pretendin why
she had to die will get me by...but it can't
no matter how I falsify my shaded eyes don't slant
the truth... is I never committed to her life
so in death I had to admit it to my wife

yes my big sis has passed on she didn't last long
like my favourite fast song, hate myself and that's wrong
cuz I didn't stuff the sniff in her face
wasn't me who puffed da spliff in ma's face, disgrace
but never disowned, borrowed my love even though it wasn't loaned
got stoned, never phoned, still took da time to carry ya ass home

Now it's time to come clean on where you have been?!
not to be seen, illusive through my years as a teen...
that's not fair, fuck you! fuck God! I don't CARE!
there's my heart to spare, i'm not spendin life lookin to da air
scared, wonderin if you're there... been a decade since your funeral
Didn't shed a tear for 8 years... n i just wanted you to know.

[Maven.]

this had really nice content, but I think the rest of it needs tuning up...try to even out the syllables in your lines, it helps with flow, and then you can alter it later. try to throw in some more vocab in places, so it doesn't seem tooooo simplistic. the simple style is nice, but if it's too simple it takes away from what you're trying to say.
I think maybe you could bring some sort of epiphany out of those experiances and use it as your last line so that the reader takes something away from it too.

[Mag...]

thnks for the feed...

yea i reread it and it definitely is pretty simple... but i wanted to just get out the emotion... i wrote this in just over 10 minutes..so yea.. ima tune it up and add another verse... look for it in the next week Sniff n Spliff Pt1&2

[Penskills]

I actually think your simplicity worked out for the better for this piece..this was a decent read..easy to follow although you did lose me for a bit...anyway..decent drop..^^

[Genazyde]

This was nice...you had quite simplistic rhymes, but pulled them off well, I felt tha flow on this piece, it was nice...7/10

one

[Mag...]

thanks for the feedz i looked it over... and im not sure ill make it much more complex in the next draft... but i definitely found some spots to finesse the lines for flow...thnx Maven...

[Unwritten Hazard]

fav line:


"yes my big sis has passed on she didn't last long
like my favourite fast song"

[Endeva.]

^^fag.... anywyas, i thought you had some meaningful contnet, but the scheme of writin g jus didnt carry it... thats my opinion... jus couldnt seem to get it going... it was simple, but not over,,, id still add comlplexity tho, jus my style.... all in all the concept good, execution lacked.....

[Knowledge]

breakdown:

topic = it was cool since it was real...and god bless
vocab = kinda on the simple side..could elevate some
flow = easy to flow..nice...
content = nice content..heart felt..but kinda hard to follow at times
overall = decent drop

keep ur head up..sorry for the loss

peace

[Mag...]

thanks... i think it deserves the undressed vocab though... penskillz has convinced me... and ive convinced myself... ive worked out the bugs on the syllables for mav though so it's and early edit... still look out for the fully revised Sniff n Spliff Pt. 1&2

[Mag...]

uppin for suggestions... wonderin if it really does flow better now

[Mag...]

cmon peeps don't sleep or none of da benefits i can reap...lol

[vane]

this was quiet deep...some parts it was a bit off, i dunno juss sumpin bout a few lines, but altogether it was tight with good multis, good vocab, makes it a deep piece

no matter how I falsify my shaded eyes don't slant -- didnt rhyme

mostly tight though, stay up

you can give me feedbakk on this if you like...blah dont bother if not... dont really mind

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116081

[Mag...]

she had to die will get me by...but it can't
no matter how I falsify my shaded eyes don't slant
^^not sure if you missed it but "die" and "by" are internal rhyme setups for "falsify my" and certainly "can't" and "slant" rhyme...

someone feel free to prove me wrong on this one...

[vane]

blah i hate cloggin up threads...
you mean slant as in something that is tilted?
my proninciation; cont - slant... didnt rhyme for me