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Thread: You.

  1. #1
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    You.

    Here...you can have this.....





    You.
    You...it was you.....

    My mind is dead. Rotten, my hands bloody, slick and glossy.
    The smell of a butcher’s apron fills the humid air, like smoked pigs,
    stretched skin and burned to a dark, crisp...brown.
    The dirty and dark yellow hair, glistening in the dim sun.
    A bleeding metaphor. You taught me that.
    You beat me without the slightest lenience.
    Literally abused the life out of me,
    the most powerful, distraught masturbation.
    Sweat poured from your brow as you vigorously forged
    my soul with your pestilence.
    Your animosity was (and in some ways still stands)
    a mockery to my intellect.
    Gruesome disfigurement in my heart, horridly oblique.
    A harrowing reminder of what you did to me,
    of what you morphed me into.

    You began as a bland, friendly, trusting outlet.
    I could entrust in you, my morbid secrets and you would
    keep them within your black boundaries.
    You are lubricous, icy, always there. At times,
    you would seduce me into your sympathetically prodigious
    artifice. Assembled from mutilated bodies of art
    hanging from the ceiling. I spectated on my kinsman.
    One dangled from a thin rusty hook in the center of the
    room. His heart was pendulous, rocking back and forth from
    his skeletal body. His heart was completely separate from his
    chest, if not for one last feeble piece of tissue still attaching it
    to the body. His eyes were shut, as though he couldn't see
    reason, truth, or knowledge. This atrocious, foul, corpse was
    my friend. I stood there, watching it from the floor, timidly smiling.
    The other carcass was covered in black plastic bags. The type of bag
    that one would put garbage in. The bags were held together by
    what seemed to be a long, slim fishing line. Constricted with the line from
    head to toe, and finally leading to the ceiling. It hung inverted, from its feet.
    I could not see the face of this one. But I could see tears in the bags.
    One pair was located at the eyes. The other, at the top of the skull.
    Those foreboding eyes watched me. They followed me around the room,
    even with the dim light; I could still feel
    it stalking me. I hated it. Detested. Loathed. I wanted to kill it, shred it to pieces,
    just so it wouldn't haunt me. The apex of his head was shattered, like a broken window.
    The top of his skull had receding skin, leading away from
    his brain as though he himself was horrified of what lay in the confines of his mind.
    I could see his brain; it was smooth, dark red, and moist. His mind frustrated me.
    It would challenge me, the audacity of it. Sickening.

    I spent more than a year in your room. Locked in, you held the key. I could not
    approach you without being attacked. At this moment, as I write this. You have
    me imprisoned. I loved you like a child; I raised you as I would want to be raised.
    But in the end, it was you that trapped me, you that crushed me, you that made
    Me....
    You....it was...you....
    Last edited by Neruda II; January 18th, 2005 at 10:47 AM
    murder murder

  2. #2
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    Ah. I'm so glad you're not gone for good. Or are you? Either way, this was a really great piece, whether it's a final parting piece or not... I really hope you're sticking around, I am only just getting to know your writing now...

    Very vivid, twisted... almost demonic imagery. This poem is a monstrosity of pain, one way or another. Very deep stuff, and you carried it well. I didn't have to look up any of the words you used, but the vocabulary was at a level that I would very much expect to see from such a great poet. The poetic flow of the piece was imperfect, but it didn't matter, since it was still thoroughly readable. I enjoyed reading this, but it was a painful read at the same time. And I'm guessing that that was the intention throughout.

    I'm going to take a stab at interpreting this: I'm guessing this piece is addressed to the RB poetic scriptures forum. You were... imprisoned in your room for a year? Is that what was being addressed? Amongst other things...

    Aw, c'mon man, we're all friends here... please, please, tell us all in plain terms, what it is that has bothered you to this degree... Po'Ethics, I know are worried, and a little shocked. I certainly know that I would like to have this explained to me...
    Last edited by Dan Dare; January 18th, 2005 at 09:21 AM
    ...

  3. #3
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    "The apex of his head was shattered, like a broken window.
    The top of his skull had receding skin, leading away from
    his brain as though he himself was horrified of what lay in the confines of his mind."
    THAT really struck me, stunningly vivid account here, this was a perplexing delve into the confines of a tortured soul...this was a brilliant glimpse into the eyes of pain, you wrote this wonderfully though at time the intended choppiness of the piece frustrated me...i think what i took from this as a whole was that you are eloquent at articulating pain, evident even further through your sig, in the subtle way that it ties into your poem, i know its unintended but still...overall a good read, stay up, because from subject to subject your talent never wavers, kudos to you, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  4. #4
    OG Poet, er some shit.
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    Great piece to finish off man. You know how i feel about this
    Po'Ethics - Est. 2004




  5. #5
    Ticallion Stallion Motionblurrr's Avatar
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    Great piece. I noticed this poem is very 'painful' in a way. I picture myself suffering, and or bleeding, burning, etc. I noticed how you selected some vocabulary to, say--'inflict' more pain into the poem. That right there is what fuels the emotion of the entire piece, because it gives it a heavy, demonic feeling--almost like if someone was in hell.

    That part that stands out to me, is near the middle of the poem. Where I picture a corpse(s) hanging from the ceiling. You used good imagery and adjectives to describe the corpse hanging in the middle of the room. The use of 'black bag', makes it extremely gritty to the point of disgust and remorse for actually reading this poem. Only thing is, that there was *too* much imagery describing the corpses, and continued monotonously. Until you actually picked up the pace and described your feelings toward what you saw.

    Very good, deep, full-of-emotion poem. I tip my hat to you, Paroxysm.

  6. #6
    .verity.
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    nice drop, imagery was intense. Alot of thoughts kinda run through your mind when reading this peice, i think the first few lines stood out the most. Just the way you expressed yourself through such morbidness, ionno how else to put it. Neway shit was cool your vocab was tight alot of words written in there that gave this peice that certain concept and understanding. Overall id have to say 7.5/10...
    Nice drop...
    peace...

    neway return the favor, ima newb i need all the help i can get lol...

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! XxMoMoxX's Avatar
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    pretty grusome creapy imagery but yet very emotional i think its a great piece and pretty extensive vocabulary i liked it though good job.
    Much too dangerous
    Meet the perfect stranger
    I'm the extreme case of fire and anger
    The misguided angel with deep routed fears
    My face shows the years of blood sweating tears
    Pay attention, this gypsy that deeply senses
    Evil spirits lurking behind picket fences
    Embarking darker images and skeletal remains
    Cold hearted soldier with ice in his veins



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  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! kwik_trigger's Avatar
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    oh my god... this was great. i love the pain, the imagery. you are very articulate. most people use simple words to describe what they want to say but you have an ability that seems to come natural. i dont think you had to work hard at this. this was wonderful to read and i hope to see more like this. i agree with jekyll... an explanation should be in order. keep up the good work.

  9. #9
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Poetry, it's about poetry...

    Everything is a metaphor for the types of poetry I wrote...emotional, my favorite type of poetry, I Love that type of poetry....no matter what...others think...
    *cough*
    ...then, I wrote about my other type of.."poetry"...the type that everyone else likes...the type that I write to try and impress others...I hate that "poetry"...so fucking much...I'm ashamed of myself for writing it...there's more to the poem, but you can probably figure it out...Thank you.
    murder murder

  10. #10
    ...practice makes poetry
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    you ARE a joke if you ever seriously wrote poetry for RB's legion of dickheads to appreciate...

    you and I both know that nobody around here would know poetry if it bit them in the fucking ass...

    I honestly hope you find peace someday
    Hence Forward

  11. #11
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    People write for other people all the time. Topical battles, WOP, Sacred scriptures, does anyone actually enjoy writing to a topic that another person chose? Well, maybe I'm being a bit biased, but that's how I see it. Trying to get into legends, people trying to "make" open mic of the month, they're all doing it for some shitty title, instead of writing for themselves.

    Thank you, I've almost found my peace.
    murder murder

  12. #12
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    This was real good sharp you displayed a nice vivid image in my head all the way through. The details were great nice job I just mainly like the read it was good and I liked it.

  13. #13
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
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    Really, really...

    Amazing work.

    Watch this.

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