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Thread: Little Orphan Annie [Writer's Block Collab]

  1. #1
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Little Orphan Annie [Writer's Block Collab]

    Little Orphan Annie



    [Nostradomus]

    To all the little children: -- The happy ones; and sad ones;
    The sober and the silent ones; the boisterous and glad ones;
    The good ones -- Yes, the good ones, too; and all the lovely bad ones

    The crowded street her playground is, a patch of blue her sky;
    A puddle in a vacant lot her sea where ships pass by:
    Poor little orphan girl of ten, the city smoke and grime
    Taint every cooling breeze she gets throughout the summer time;
    And she is just as your girl is, a child who loves to play,
    Except that she is drawn and white and cannot get away.
    And she would like the open fields, for often in her dreams
    The angels kind of bear her off to where are pleasant streams,
    Where she may sail a splendid boat, sometimes she flies a kite,
    Or romps beside a shepherd dog and shouts with all her might;
    But when the dawn of morning comes she wakes to find once more
    That what she thought were sun-kissed hills are rags upon the floor.
    Then through the hot and sultry day she plays at "make-pretend,"
    The alley is a sandy beach where all the rich folks send
    Their little boys and girls to play, a barrel is her boat,
    But, oh, the air is tifling and the dust fills up her throat;
    And though she tries so very hard to play, somehow it seems
    She never gets such wondrous joys as angels bring in dreams.
    Poor little orphan girl of ten, except that she is pale,
    With sunken cheeks and hollow eyes and very wan and frail,
    Just like that little girl of yours, with same desire to play,
    Fond of the open fields and skies, she's built the self-same way;
    But kept by fate and circumstance away from shady streams,
    Her only joy comes when she sleeps and angels bring her dreams
    .
    .
    .
    [WhiteOut]

    "How does one smile when one is punished for talking?
    And how does one enoy life when papa's always stalking?
    Sleepless nights when the dry, cold air rushes on my skin,
    cause' papa pirates my covers when the evening drinking begins.
    Stomach runs cold, papa is yelling at mama at the table,
    and he never warmed my porage, and to swallow i'll be unable.
    Quiet I sit, watch the rain drops race down the window.
    What joy it would be to have a friend! That i'll never know.
    I dare not speak of waht i've done at class today.
    They never listen! Papa will just strike or scold me anyway.
    Bruises paint my bottom, papa's belt came upon me.
    Oh how I urge to run away! As tears roll down slowly.
    Quickly, as they sleep, i'll pack up my pillow case,
    never again will I be ashamed to go out and show my face."
    The fountains mingle with the river, and the rivers with the ocean,
    The winds of heaven mix for ever, with a sweet emotion;
    Nothing in the world is single, all things by a law divine
    In one another's being mingle, why not I with thine?
    See the mountains kiss high heaven, and the waves clasp one another;
    No sister-flower would be forgiven, if it disdain'd its brother;
    And the sunlight clasps the earth, and the moonbeams kiss the sea—
    What are all these kissings worth, if thou kiss not me?
    .
    .
    .
    [Siege]

    I've been taken by Satan, forsaken
    My diary pages are fateful embraces
    of pains adjacent reflecting the demonstrations
    of hate
    towards me, this is my prayer

    You hated me. I was a dark, plain-faced, unsavory
    creature God gave human features and shape. Crazily
    you berated me from your battered home in hell’s catacombs
    I fell victim to the spells you dispelled in tragic tones.
    you hated me…or better yet, you most likely despised.
    Brightly with pride, said you chose for those like me, to not die!
    but face death while alive!
    And the ones i called family
    you damned me
    You wanted me gone, often said it in no subtle words
    No rebuttal was necessary for every ugly utterance heard
    bubbling outta your lips. And yet still… I loved you
    Tho’ no doubt about it you’d flip,
    said, I ain’t amountin’ to shit!
    Said I was a mountain of shit-colored skin and other hymns
    you hummed and sung your disdain, with the other kids.
    Sure enough, growin’ up, You never left me! Never let me
    accept myself…when no one else could except myself.
    You convinced me I was ugly…then you’d touch me roughly.
    Gently pinch me, nightly. Tightly, clutch me. Struck me!
    Stroke me. Hold me closely… PLEASE!...
    I was a feign for being choked where it could be openly seen
    And My next rude awakening?

    I went home again, on friday with a devilsih fellow named he called himself hannible
    little did i know, he was actually a

    *His car pulls up on the corner of eighth and cannibal*



    LINKS:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=271256
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=271274

  2. #2
    old york
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    N.
    Nice drop.A different style i see.Your storyline was awesome.Very descriptive,and the enjoyed the rhyme scheme.The verse had alot of imagery and in every detail on your bars i could see it happening.The emotion in it was nice as well.The girl's emotion and feelings here were deep,and i felt what she was going through.I felt you could've gotten some multies in,but you started to get that in the last part of your part,nice job.
    W.
    I feel good to be in WV with you.Nice work here.Your description of her thoughts which is what i thought was happening was amazing,than coming out of the quotes were very well nice.You had a good storyline continuing from Nos's,and i felt that.Again spectacular emotion and imagery.But i think you had some better and complex vocab.and had more multies.Nice man.
    Siege.
    OOOOOOO.Nice drop as well.Your more based on a poetic style in my eyes.You came with some unqiue style of flow and streucture.I like that.Had some multies in there,but not as much as emotion or imgery as Nos or White,but i feel the way you ended it like that,was veryy smooth and gave it an ending relief of deep words.I enjoyed the easy read,like always you always would in your pieces.I felt you were more focused on a poetic base here,and not just writing a good piece.
    To all.
    Dope drop,a good way to me to start off something I'd put in HoF.Good job guys,seriously,you worked hard on this i see,and i didnt really sence at all a forced rhym,e scheme and you guys just went with the flow here.Once again dope drop.Hope to see this nominated a bit more.

    Pz.
    hurterrybody.

  3. #3
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Whoa, thanks for the feed Ref, we really appreciate it.

  4. #4
    Rock you in the Face Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic's Avatar
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    this was dope
    Nos had the best verse imo.. just the way he told the story, it was very nice. Not to take anything away from everyone else, because they for the most part held their parts down. Three very solid verses different styles, but they stuck together like glue. Very good drop fellas
    Hence Forward.. BURR!
    [YOUTUBE]seYxVBIsycE[/YOUTUBE]
    Just watch My Back, I got the front.

  5. #5
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Thanks Skiddz, very much. *does dance*

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Dope drop, a good way to get into the HoF.Good job guys,seriously,you worked hard on this i see,and i didnt really sence at all a forced rhyme scheme and you guys just went with the flow here.Once again dope drop.Hope to see this nominated a bit more.

  7. #7
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    yo dat shyt was dope iight...

  8. #8
    Ex.Orb
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    yo man this shit was tight. dope. all three of ya'll had some dope ass versus. in my opinion this om is HOF status. keep writing. i'll keep looking out for more of ur collabs

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hell_Raizer
    yo dat shyt was dope iight...
    ...

    than to all nonetheless

    upping

  10. #10
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    uh, UP.

  11. #11
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Um, up?

  12. #12
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Fucking close this Johnny 6-Feet, no one leaves feed, but when someone doesnt wanna leave feed on their OM's they get pissed.

  13. #13
    lyrical messiah
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    yo this was aight but you need to put more vocab in in. i liked it though. just keep doin ya thang. i know what you mean about peeps not postin in ya thread they do that shit all the time but if you put 2 links to 2 posts to threads you left feed on this won't get closed. could you please return the favor an leave feed on my om these eyes don't see color

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    Dope Lethal Lyricists
    hip-hop's finest souljaz

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    this my boo.......guess who it is

  14. #14
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    um, okay, to me it sounds u have no idea about OM's, and if you are writing something right now, im telling you to drop your pen or w/e your writing with seriously. people tell me to take out some vocab so it wont sound forced, now these stupid fucks tell me to put some in. and i know by posting 2 links to other OM's is a way to keep your OM open, but i want to get this closed because im sick of reading feedback that has not content, or actual critique in it. i despise people like you who leave feed that doesnt make sense whatsoever. feedback like yours makes me want to close this even more.

  15. #15
    lyrical messiah
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    yo dawg i didn't mean for you to get pissed but i like to read oms with a lot of vocab in it just to test myself to see if i know the words an to see if the writer knows the words cause if you use the word then you sentence that its in will tell you what it means. thats what i meant but the shit was good dawg. i didn't mean for you to get pissed about it. but peace out

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    Dope Lethal Lyricists
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