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Thread: Welcome To My World.

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Welcome To My World.

    MY SS peice, check it out.

    Welcome to my world.


    Life's too short, for you to die


    My fathers blood, cleanses this body of immorality
    His mortality, revealed itself, now he lays by my side
    I played with my life, I abused fate, now she gets revenge
    My whole life, my family, taken away, in an almighty end

    ‘Dad, wake up, open your eyes, please’ I scream, as I feel time freeze
    I flail to my knees, I curse lady destiny, as I hear God tease
    My eyes are closed, they don’t need to see these tears I cry
    Now let me tell you the story………..of the day gone by

    ‘wake up sleepy head’ I smile as my mother's eyes look into mine
    ‘you’ve slept too long, it’s past dinner time’
    Her eyes sparkle, aqua-blue, I want to explore them evermore
    Her beauty is a radiant as the sun. I’m not speaking in metaphors
    I clamber out of bed, get dressed
    ready for another night in the house
    I skulk lonesome, alone in my thoughts, depressed
    My mind screams, but I don’t open my mouth
    I am a hollowed soul, no depth, no feelings
    Yet, I can’t tell my parents, so I blast creedence
    As I lay bleeding, from the venomous bite of this knife
    ‘what a fantastic life’

    My father returns from work, comes to see his only son
    He discovers my bleeding wrist, ‘you’re only young!!’
    ‘Dad, get out, leave me alone, I want to die’
    ‘fine, you end your life, I’m ending mine’
    My pending mind, turns like a table
    As my wrist burns, ‘you’re fine, I’m unstable’
    I slice further in my fresh flesh, I smile as I bleed
    He storms out of the room, I’m finally freed

    I hear a shot, another, and one more, the sound rings in my ear
    ‘Please, oh Please, don’t let this be, what I think I hear’
    My pulse pumps, as I race to the vibrating sound of gun shots
    The walls are red, my mother lies dead…in her favourite top
    My sister gasps, and exhales for a final time, her life….so brief
    Aged only three, I weep, I feel like I might die from grief
    My father lays slumped against the wall…..he died for me

    I was depressed, my life was a mess, I cried for help
    But my help, only did one thing…….died themselves.

  2. #2
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    Last edited by Shawn DMac.; October 25th, 2006 at 03:42 PM

  3. #3
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    Up.

  4. #4
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    upping.

  5. #5
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    Assholes

  6. #6
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    I really enjoyed reading this piece because it kept me reading...I wish you would've made it longer though...You used okay vocab and your internals were really nice at some points...my favorite line

    As I lay bleeding, from the venomous bite of this knife
    This isnt quite personification but if there was a such thing as animication then this would be it...
    Overall this was an interesting read full of emotion and imagery...I give it a 8.5/10

    Looking forward to reading more from you so keep it going...if you can read my new OM titled "The American Dream"..its a short one

  7. #7
    Banned
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    My fathers blood, cleanses this body of immorality
    His mortality, revealed itself, now he lays by my side
    I played with my life, I abused fate, now she gets revenge
    My whole life, my family, taken away, in an almighty end

    ‘Dad, wake up, open your eyes, please’ I scream, as I feel time freeze
    I flail to my knees, I curse lady destiny, as I hear God tease
    My eyes are closed, they don’t need to see these tears I cry
    Now let me tell you the story………..of the day gone by

    That was a hell of a introduction

    Has this piece been nominated?

    The topic was good and I like the way you do your O-M's with that story line type feel shits dope. This piece contained everything from muti's to wording to vocab and they were all on point. U didn't miss one aspect with this one. It flowed well and kept me wanted more. as I read each line it seemed to get better. I see that you are truely DOPE and with piece's like this there's no need for elevation. good shit keep it ^

  8. #8
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    Thanks dude, upping.

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    and again

  10. #10
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    5 days and 2 peices of feed? cunts

    upping/

  11. #11
    Soule
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    I read this twice when you dropped it against Brix...

    Over all dope,

    *Goes to nominate*

  12. #12
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Awards SS HW Champion Haiku Champion FL Champion PS Champion/IE Champion WOP Champion OM HOF PC HOF 50+ Wins

    Exclamation

    this was a creative and very nice internala nd metaphorical verse here witness..very high vocaba nd the metaphors in this were cool and very unique and animated persona ya know this was koo..i liked it and how it flowed from start to finish and how you came it strong through all out the piece. the wording in this was nicely assorted and well used and thought of...it wasnt cramped nor was it forced in any way.... I liked your amount of emotion used in this piece it was brought out with a good dish of visualez man nicely done i liked thi spiece....big upps and keep dropping!
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  13. #13
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Awards OM HOF
    thanks,upping.

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  14. #14
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Awards SS HW Champion Haiku Champion FL Champion PS Champion/IE Champion WOP Champion OM HOF PC HOF 50+ Wins
    if so could you leave feed on eighter first two links in my sig please...i havent gotten feed from you in awhile!
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  15. #15
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    i always hate replying after alot of peeps..most of what needed to be said was said...very nice piece though...internals and vocab were ill..i liked your word usage..your rhyme scheme was on point...i enjoyed this piece..keep droppin tha hottness.~1~


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