Heartbreak Warfare

My mother died after my delivery. left my Heart torn; bitter.
So don't fuckin' ask me what made me a natural born killer
From each day that wind forth, my mind morphed more sicker
Born sinner, but I prayed that one day I would mourn with her
Father trained me young sensing a foundation of hatred, I cried-
But grew through warfare: imagine blood-spilling into a basin aligned,
To a bottomless pit.
+ I was impulsive as shit, vacant inside:
Connect the dots and you'll see that I had murder tracing my mind
Once he nurtured it, my inner-demons could be displaced 'till they died
Displaying the side of war and in each act where patience would hide
I dismembered men in every way possible; a corrupt doctor in a hospital
I became a one-man army with no obstacle; purely unstoppable
I appear down to Earth, but I am something this world has never seen;
A.k.a, Morpheus: a walking nightmare that made men forever dream.
Could slash at ya throat, watch you sputter, gasp, and then choke
I'm faster than most; I hit in a flash like a bolt:
That's what I call a 'lighting strike', and I do it until a bastard is broke
Never wasting the time without taking what's mine or breaking a spine
Trading blood with 2 men, I'll wrap their bodies together
Call it a 'Red-Cross' like I'm making the sign.
But this became a problem as I hunted people to hurt them for nothing
All the way, I couldn't fight the feeling that I was searching for something
It seemed I striving towards the invisible, or maybe the residual-
Of survivor's guilt, but just perhaps...
It explains despite who I killed, I can't relax
Restless cause I'm a slim sleeper. each life taken affects my health
Fuck a grim reaper, when I've been trying to slay death itself

I remember, just yesterday, our army raided a town
I entered into deep thought while all else were parading around...
Powerful silence prelude the battle, it was peace: a story in breath
Made me realize that every fight I enter I'm hoping I join my mother.
I suppose there is glory in death.

24

Was digging this piece, this part was fire and sounded like some shit to do an audio with, i read it with an eminem esque type vibe.

My mother died after my delivery. left my Heart torn; bitter.
So don't fuckin' ask me what made me a natural born killer
From each day that wind forth, my mind morphed more sicker
Born sinner, but I prayed that one day I would mourn with her
Father trained me young sensing a foundation of hatred, I cried-
But grew through warfare: imagine blood-spilling into a basin aligned,
To a bottomless pit.
+ I was impulsive as shit, vacant inside:
Connect the dots and you'll see that I had murder tracing my mind
Once he nurtured it, my inner-demons could be displaced 'till they died
Displaying the side of war and in each act where patience would hide
I dismembered men in every way possible; a corrupt doctor in a hospital
I became a one-man army with no obstacle; purely unstoppable

Content was on point, bar for bar i felt the transition to the story, and progession. Rhyme scheme and structure was almost flawless but dependinh how you read it then some things could be unnoticed by people like the hospital bar. Complex wording made that pretty dope to rhyme and structure. The 2nd half i still liked but almost felt unnatural to first half of topic, transition wasnt there until the end. Overall still a dope piece, sad OM gets slept on like this. Keep writing tho

@OG Maestro

Just a reminder.
Per the rules, you have 48 hrs to get 2 feedback links. Thanks

This was fire.

I liked your story line up until about half way then it seemed a little generic. Opening piece was bonkers, tho. Imagery, flow, rhyme scheme (Could have been a little more fluid on the inner rhymes, tho) and just the overall dialogue was solid, fam.

Quote:

---

But grew through warfare: imagine blood-spilling into a basin aligned,
To a bottomless pit.
+ I was impulsive as shit, vacant inside:
Connect the dots and you'll see that I had murder tracing my mind
Once he nurtured it, my inner-demons could be displaced 'till they died
Displaying the side of war and in each act where patience would hide
I dismembered men in every way possible; a corrupt doctor in a hospital
I became a one-man army with no obstacle; purely unstoppable
I appear down to Earth, but I am something this world has never seen;
A.k.a, Morpheus: a walking nightmare that made men forever dream.

---

^That part of the drop was bananas, IMO - Keep writing!

This was deep man. I really liked it. Storyline was one of the more refreshing as of late. Not too many take chances by taking on deeper storylines so it's always nice to see somebody that knows what they're doing go off with some in depth shit. Especially in Open Mic where not too many writers generally seem to try compared to leagues and tournaments. Wording and syllable count was spot on, really nothing worth complaining about man. Nominating this for sure, hit up RIP America for me.

This was pretty dope actually. I like your style. at some places your flow fell off a little and your stresses were out of place but they weren't often and certainly not enough to kill the enjoyment of the piece. Content wise, I think you started off strong and started to lose steam as you went on. I love the opening scheme especially, the rhymes, content, flow and execution came together here and that first block was really a cut above the rest. Once you started to go more free-form my mind started to wander a little and you lose a little bit of my interest. Overall a very cool read. Props.

Grammy nominated.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...atic-amp-Jukon
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...he-Raven-Flies

My mother died after my delivery. left my Heart torn; bitter.
So don't fuckin' ask me what made me a natural born killer
From each day that wind forth, my mind morphed more sicker
Born sinner, but I prayed that one day I would mourn with her
Father trained me young sensing a foundation of hatred, I cried-
But grew through warfare: imagine blood-spilling into a basin aligned,
To a bottomless pit.
+ I was impulsive as shit, vacant inside:
Connect the dots and you'll see that I had murder tracing my mind
Once he nurtured it, my inner-demons could be displaced 'till they died
Displaying the side of war and in each act where patience would hide
I dismembered men in every way possible; a corrupt doctor in a hospital
I became a one-man army with no obstacle; purely unstoppable

that shit was dope. I'm not going to go into why. As I'm a average writer myself.. But it seemed like some 90's hip-hop I would listen to. After that it seemed a little generic I guess. IDK to be honest. Still good. Just got different vibes after what I quoted.