Here's one to wrap your head around...

[Karaoshi]

Syllable count included so y'all can see what the experiment was with this one...

I Revelate,

16 So suffering as only the onslaught of that Ceaseless Silence
14 Might savage us, slows, less stops, yet not the subtle senses;
12 The third eye thunders at the thinking, thorough as
10 Things done full - the threat'ning thought thence thou thwarts;
08 If newly dead, new life, not Death,
06 The death of Life, yet Death;
04 The death of Death.
02 Death, die.


08 The Riddle thus rightly resolv'd,
06 Returning thence rested
04 In mind, to end;
02 Death, die.


04 And seeing not
02 Death, die.


02 Death, dead.

[Karaoshi]

Links:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ty-Of-The-Moth
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...est-The-Waters

[Emily]

Wow. I am BLOWN away and I broke.

I stare at it and read it nice and slow.
Taking it in.

That was smart, and deep. And true.
I have the feeling of being singed, spiritually.
Your syllable count echo is divine.
The flow is angelically laced with a sophisticated air inviting
soft strumming of harps, in the background, of my mind.

I honestly felt like I was in a zone.


Syllable Count was a natural high.

16
14
12
10
08
06
04
02

08
06
04
02

04
02

02


Standing ovation from me. Front row. I love that. -------8. 6. 4. 2-----4. 2----- 2.---------

I haven't even touched on the technical aspect of the words, rhymes, or anything else.


That fact that Death, died.....Well done.

That last line though,

.....Death, dead.....


...Soothes.

It's beautiful.



Great read.

[Truth Iscariot]

Syllable count included so y'all can see what the experiment was with this one...

I Revelate,

16 So suffering as only the onslaught of that Ceaseless Silence
14 Might savage us, slows, less stops, yet not the subtle senses;
12 The third eye thunders at the thinking, thorough as
10 Things done full - the threat'ning thought thence thou thwarts;
08 If newly dead, new life, not Death,
06 The death of Life, yet Death;
04 The death of Death.
02 Death, die.

Firstly, whatever you experiment was i liked it. It made this flow very easily, and was a joy to read really. This first stanza had some of the most beautiful language I've read on RB in a long while, it was thought provoking. The first 2 lines it seems to me you are saying that suffering is the buffer between Life and death, and it hinders much but heightens your senses to things makes you a keener being. The next 2 lines it seems you tackle the idea of pondering, but how as soon as you've actually acted out you thoughts the pondering on that issue ceases. In the subsequent lines it seems you tackle after-life, saying that dying, the ending to the aforementioned suffering, isn't death but a new life, thus as you're dying yourself you're really vanquishing death and suffering in one strike, brilliant stuff imo.

The next stanza, i feel the riddle you're talking about is the question of whether or not an afterlife exists and in this poem you're saying it does, the thundering of the original stanza has ceased, your mind can be at rest, but in doing say does it experience a new type of death altogether? the death of the riddle perhaps?


"And seeing not" a powerful phrase to use, but truthfully its use hiccuped my understanding of the poem, you'll have to tell me your reasoning behind it. I can surmise you either aren't seeing the forgone suffering, or perhaps you aren't seeing because your third eye has ceased to matter in this new life, your senses are dead but your soul isn't? idk I'm not sure
08 The Riddle thus rightly resolv'd,
06 Returning thence rested
04 In mind, to end;
02 Death, die.


04 And seeing not
02 Death, die.


02 Death, dead.

Jeez, Soul this was powerful. Your poetry reminds me of Bob Dylan's writing, just edgy and real.

I find myself asking though exactly what your experiment was the body of your haiku is heart shaped, and the syllable count could be the beats of the heart, strong at first then waning, then gone. But i truly couldn't tell you exactly what it was. I just woke up lol.

All in all there were many different ways to interpret this, I would love to read an annotation of it but either way i loved the poem itself, great work, I'll be nomming it

[143]

Very van garde with this...the mix of content and count building a platform in which you delivered an ever strengthening emotional feel towards the end was brilliant. As an experiment it works, in more ways than one, I could easily see this in any prose magazine. Deep, intriguing and different. Dope..