scum

[Emily]

Grease and grime, from the bottom of my barrel, has risen
Making scum quiver on the surface of my sanity
Where all was once serene and placid
I now have you
Greed, has taken a stroll through hell
Not oblivious but arrogant and selfish
Sinister steps pace hard and firm
Sedating rituals and daily expectations
No consciousness plays on fat guilt
Emptied vessels of soul and sound
Suffer no hallucinations of fair play
Dormant talent brewing and basking in golden filth
Ransacked, stripped and void of emotion
Plundered into empty handed clapping
Discharged of what’s expected from me
Dismissed, released and left alone
To try and feel shame, and yet
I don’t

[ILLunatic]

ATTENTION Emilyinthepool,

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[Wordz AhGod.]

ATTENTION Emilyinthepool,

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@Emilyinthepool what he said

[Emily]

@Wordz AhGod. Ah yeah.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...?479323-Niggas 143
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...8-donna-louise memoir

[HighEngineChief]

Dopeness Em. I have read this and Friday and I must say I am loving bad Emily. The tone is not as authoritative as it is in Friday, but the language is still powerful. The piece has Nietzsche like feel and a dark sincerity to it that gobbles you up and spits you out. The ending line was an excellent touch. My only gripe is the comma after greed, as it creates a bit of confusion. This was a great piece, i also left feed on Friday but my phone started acting up. I got you though, keep bringing that flame.

[Foreshadow]

I almost wish that this poem was longer because it was backed with some great details that made what i was picturing come to life. I liked your word choice and the way you expressed your point.

[Zen the Dude]

It's weird that I thought of Nietzsche and saw HEC say the same thing.

This was excellent I thought. The word choice of this was the best part about it in my opinion. Each line seemed to "bounce" along at a constant rate, no stutters at all. As for the content, well, I have no complaints with it whatsoever. This is my new favorite from you.

Peace.

[Atti]

i think i like this style best from you. this felt so natural and fluent while reading. it was just entirely raw and as is.

Grease and grime, from the bottom of my barrel, has risen
Making scum quiver on the surface of my sanity

i love the first line. it was just filthy and pure and helped set an immediate tone for the piece. the second line supported very well too. i think that the first line ended so powerful that instead of starting line two with "making" simply starting as 'scum quivering on the surface' would bring a little more life to the line and make it flow a little smoother just because the three harsh prefix sounds are a very dominating, and the alliteration at the end of the line almost balanced it but it was one hard consonant too many. great content though.

Where all was once serene and placid
I now have you

i use a lot of these quick lines similar to the second one used here. these read to me as a set up to a shift in tone. in my mind i relate it to music, and the first line is building and then the instrumental drops off and there's the lone voice reading that one line and it resonates nicely.

Greed, has taken a stroll through hell
Not oblivious but arrogant and selfish

almost similar to my suggestion with your 'making scum line' i almost feel like making the tense more here and now would really make that first line pop. but great personification and job keeping that grimy feeling throughout.

Sinister steps pace hard and firm
Sedating rituals and daily expectations

i really liked the movement of line one and the content again very fitting and consistent. second line has strong content and i like that you carried the 's' alliteration into it to keep consistent, to keep the flow moving i may suggest ending line two on the prefix sound of your final line 1 word. 'burdens' is how i think i would have possibly ended. you're not keeping up steady meter by doing that but it keeps those specified sounds constantly streaming through the readers mind which results in an overall presence of flow to the piece.

No consciousness plays on fat guilt
Emptied vessels of soul and sound
Suffer no hallucinations of fair play
Dormant talent brewing and basking in golden filth

emptied vessels and the golden filth lines were the ones. favorites of the piece. unique and well worded lines that just feel right. great images and creative at that.

Ransacked, stripped and void of emotion
Plundered into empty handed clapping
Discharged of what’s expected from me
Dismissed, released and left alone
To try and feel shame, and yet
I don’t

loved the plundered line. and the choice to end in meter form the dismissed line into the 'i don't' just felt like the perfect ending. it concluded and felt like it ended exactly how and when it should have. the content of it as well, leaves that final line a very strong and echoing phrase. simple and well placed in support of all that was building to that point.

great job overall emily. a lot of my critique is nit picking or things that are my own personal preference so take it with a grain of salt. or don't even pay mind to it and keep doing what you love. either way i did thoroughly enjoy the piece. i think i definitely enjoy your free form writing most. it seems a lot more uninhibited and feels more natural to me.

[enterprise]

This piece was nice as hell, you had good word placement along with good imagery to bring it to its full potential, I wish it was longer but that may have taken away from the piece. This type of verse is more enjoyable to me because I can tell it was free written and know you had fun doing, it seemed so natural reading it. You had some strong mechanisms compacted in just a few words which takes talent so pat your self on the back for that...Great job it would be lovely if you could return the favor on my drop please and thanks

[Jamhuri]

The self-loathing is brought out very well. I imagine it’s because the persona indulged themselves wantonly in a thing their conscience tells them isn’t right before God (Greed taking a stroll through hell). There’s involvement with drugs (sedating rituals) to help the persona to forget (so the conscience doesn’t play on fat guilt?).

I sort of lose the thread I’m following when you get to ‘Emptied vessels…’. I think you’re referring to the persona but then again the plurals make it seems as if the persona is doing a show, and you’re now describing her/his audience. Perhaps some performer? The money (golden filth) and extortion makes me wonder if you’re describing the personal struggles of someone involved in adult movies.

Stylistically, this is very good, Emily. You use your alliterations quite well. They are spread all over and at first read may sound like a mouthful but as one reads on they fit in so well it is as though you weren’t trying to use them in the first place. Your voice is also very distinct. At least in this poem, it reads as if you do see clearly than many people, when you look inside. This is a gem as a poet, I think.

[Wordz AhGod.]

Grease and grime, from the bottom of my barrel, has risen
Making scum quiver on the surface of my sanity
Where all was once serene and placid
I now have you

I really loved this, at first.. I thought you were just going to talk about a cleaning lady doing her job lol.. after reading these first 3 lines I was hooked (I don't read poetry so thats an accomplishment imo). I really enjoyed lines 3 and 4 and how they tied in together. This was another great read, thank you for your service : D

[memoir]

This was a good piece & different from the rest of your writing. If you are still at the stage of finding your poetic voice ( and believe me that can take time & change even more) this style is nice and you delivered the piece very well. You had a good use of language that ran through out the piece, & from start to finish your writing was detailed. Good job you poetry head, keep up the good word.