Yes

[Emily]

He desires me docile.

Molding malleable me.
Stealing glances while he sleeps,
I know he craves silent symphonies.
While I’m earning golden halos,
mirroring blameless eyes,
and Mona Lisa smiles,
capturing graced air…
he’s there.

He wants me pure.

Words that roll like fairy floss around a
tongue of, creme dela creme.
He wishes me to be learned; no outlandish thoughts,
instead, reflected angelic reminders, of heaven within a hell.
His impression seeks submission,
while anchoring silence we share,
desirous of making love there,
in darkened, hushed, tranquility,
in states of abstained speech.
As if concealing muffled lust,
smooth’s his harsh demeanor.
And secrecy entices masked quivers,
to overflow passive humility,
into both of us.
Tameness taught, and meekness, lure,
a side he shows no one.

But I can feel his heartbeat.

































http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...u-trust-Memoir
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...1-Untitled-143

[Hooligan]

I like it. Has that Edgar Allen Poe structure with modern wording and a slick theme. Loved the first stanza most I think. Keep writing

[Kuhn]

Didn't realize you've been hiding in the poetry section em lol
This was probably the strongest verse I've read from you poetically speaking.
You held a clear cadence that morphed the lines into one continuous storyline and picture. The heaven within a hell line really stood out to me and reminded me of a few times I've toyed with that concept an I'm a bit jealous of how easily you pulled it off lol I wish I had written that line, it was easily the highlight of the verse in a verse that as a whole was a highlight of all the pieces I've read from you...and that's saying something

Beautiful piece Emily. Loved it

[Spoken]

You have such a dark presence that has one on the edge of the seat. Your words deem a sort of forceful matter but it somehow works with the style. Anger and aggression dare I say that poses a threat yet delicate with intricate diligence. Your intellectual when need and your not overzealous yet striving to vacate a the mere thought of simplicity if I even make sense lol. Sorry sort of drunk but I loved this poem it spoke wildly

[Jukon]

He desires me docile.
I feel stupid, but I had to google what docile meant cause I just completely forgot but now that I remember, I can continue lol.

Molding malleable me.
Stealing glances while he sleeps,
I know he craves silent symphonies.
While I’m earning golden halos,
mirroring blameless eyes,
and Mona Lisa smiles,
capturing graced air…
he’s there.
Very descriptive here, I liked your use of literary devices. It's good stuff.
Mona Lisa smiles was awesome.

He wants me pure.

Words that roll like fairy floss around a
tongue of, creme dela creme.
He wishes me to be learned; no outlandish thoughts,
instead, reflected angelic reminders, of heaven within a hell.
His impression seeks submission,
while anchoring silence we share,
desirous of making love there,
in darkened, hushed, tranquility,
in states of abstained speech.
As if concealing muffled lust,
smooth’s his harsh demeanor.
And secrecy entices masked quivers,
to overflow passive humility,
into both of us.
Tameness taught, and meekness, lure,
a side he shows no one.
anchoring silence we share ++
I like this whole stanza a lot. good emotion and descriptions
yea, good stuff em.

But I can feel his heartbeat.

Simply put, you know why I like this piece. So I don't need to go too far in depth. I really liked it. Dark, descriptive, emotive. My favorite things. Vocabulary was on point as well. I really enjoy your writing


jesus Christ that smiley is trippy as fuck

anyway good work em

also the bold are my favorite parts

[Laureate]

Better, but still much room to grow you have. (sorry I just watched Star Wars and now everything is a Yoda voice)

He desires me docile.

Good opening line. I'm typing this as I go so I don't know what comes next but it's a good set up.

Molding malleable me.
Stealing glances while he sleeps,
I know he craves silent symphonies.
While I’m earning golden halos,
mirroring blameless eyes,
and Mona Lisa smiles,
capturing graced air…
he’s there.

I think the first line clashes with the second. The first I see as from his perspective and the second from yours and the transition is rough. Third line is too stop and go, it needs to flow into the fourth which it can't. The heaps of punctuation are limiting this piece. You ever see the movie Mona Lisa Smiles? (It sucked fyi) Last 5 lines I feel need to be reworked so it reads less like a grocery list. I do enjoy the line "mirroring blameless eyes". That's quite lovely no?

He wants me pure.

Good

Words that roll like fairy floss around a
tongue of, creme dela creme.
He wishes me to be learned; no outlandish thoughts,
instead, reflected angelic reminders, of heaven within a hell.
His impression seeks submission,
while anchoring silence we share,
desirous of making love there,
in darkened, hushed, tranquility,
in states of abstained speech.
As if concealing muffled lust,
smooth’s his harsh demeanor.
And secrecy entices masked quivers,
to overflow passive humility,
into both of us.
Tameness taught, and meekness, lure,
a side he shows no one.

I don't get the creme de la creme line. I also don't know what fairy floss is. I just think of tiny sparkly floss fairies use to keep their teeth sparkling. Third line is interesting because I've always thought of learning as also gaining the ability to have outlandish thoughts. Too many commas plague the rest of this stanza.

But I can feel his heartbeat.

Does the "But" fit here? What are you contrasting? I feel the last line should try to sum up the whole piece and I'm not sure starting with "But" works. Unless you just like big "But"s and you cannot lie.


I feel like this is about faith and the "Him" in this poem is God. Kind of a douchey God. There's a lot here. Faith, innocence, corruption. The feeling of obedience and blindly following were a big feeling for me in this. Even the title works into it.
Off topic but your poem when highlighted kinda of looks like an 8-bit Frankenstein. Anyway your topic choices are fine, the individual words you use are more often than not are alright, I just think you need to work on how you word sentences. ramble ramble keep it up.

[BeLoved Warlock]

That was good emily i liked it and what matters is that you liked it. I remember when writing small poems meant something to me if you still have the ability to write like this that is awesome i no longer have desire to but its stuff like this they will look at in a hundred years to see how we use to speak and think inside our minds good work

[143]

I love how this poem breathes smoke in to play its darken acts. The recognition of someone's vision of them even though they might be vile to their presence existence flows nicely. I also think that taking the part of the day that we are at our most vulnerable takes the darkness of the main character and the innocence of the subject she is talking about to a 3 dimension with the emotions and the convicting thoughts of the moment that she is playing out. Overall you shine once again with something fresh and yet so familiar,