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Thread: Becoming The Devil.

  1. #1
    old york
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    Becoming The Devil.

    Becoming The Devil.



    The Child.


    What if a child...Young and abused,at such a tender age
    Grew up into a father,who acted into what his father did
    And every moment of his life,he'd look at the same page
    Noticing that his acts,are what his dad did to him as a kid


    ...
    Every night on the corner,a child young and tender crys
    A demon in sight every day...He says to himself why?
    Scared for his life,all he did was do everything his father said
    Because even when he was right,he knew his life would be dead
    His childhood taken,and for every moment alone he'd thank it
    With a father as Satan,most of his hope was an old ragged blanket
    As years passed,so did his strength,his hope grew stronger
    Cause tears also didnt last,so his attitude became meaner
    While watching T.v. his father had a stroke on the kitchen tiles
    Watching his father struggle,eyes locked,he just grinned and smiled
    ...
    After those years,he promised to himself,not to be his dad
    A relief from no more tears,nothing else seemed to make him mad
    Growing up even more,he had a new house and a new wife
    Life better than before,he had a child to raise with new rights
    But one odd day,after his child broke the glass cup,he asked for help
    With a strange desireble feeling,he took out his own belt
    Screamed to kneel down,his child scared with no tears holding back
    He whipped him in the from behind,leaving deeps wounds intact
    Blood dripping his wife told him to hault,but hit her without no regret
    After stopping...He watched his wife and child leave him,feeling like shit
    ...
    Again years had gone by,he grew up with his guilt becoming clearer
    Grew up with only one person,a reflection of his father in the mirror
    Baggy shadows under his eyes,sweating and his hair all fucked up
    His whole life full of lies,forgetting that the past has a cold touch
    Still looking in at the mirror,he grabbed a knife screaming "Fuck this!"
    And he tried hard,to have his life better,but he layed with cut wrists
    As he dropped on the ground,his past comes back for a quick while
    And in the mirror,a reflection of his father,grinning at him with a smile...



    End.
    hurterrybody.

  2. #2

  3. #3
    old york
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    Uhh Pup.
    hurterrybody.

  4. #4
    Livin to Die Code Red's Avatar
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    Feelin this
    Raw concept and the storyline waz hot ass hell flow waz good and the wordplay and metas were nice u had good imagiation cause I could see this in my head hommie u took the veiw of it as if it waz u hommie
    Great work hommie
    Waitin to see more from u
    CODE RED

  5. #5
     
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    yea im really feein this one right here....nice flow....u got ya word out....nice wordplay.....overall.....very good

  6. #6
    old york
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    Up.
    hurterrybody.

  7. #7
    nightmare Mars.'s Avatar
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    Cool idea.

    Felt the imagery a bit, could be stronger, good job with vocab. and it was a decent read, need some help on complexity i think but yeah, it was cool.

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  8. #8
    old york
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    One uuhth there up.
    hurterrybody.

  9. #9
    old york
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    Sookie Sookie.
    hurterrybody.

  10. #10
    old york
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    Fuckin open mic is for noobs now,no one ever reads shit.
    hurterrybody.

  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Gurbil's Avatar
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    I like this nice concepth and good flow and structure keep it up

    peace
    Gurbinator

    Gurbil
    ...The New Wave Of RB's Talent...

  12. #12
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    excellent topic choice and word usage, the concept was cool and deep and teh structure was on point. original topic wich is a good thing, and the flow was on point throughgout the entire piece, imagery could be stronger but nonetheless,

    dopeness

  13. #13
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    the overall story was very touching, sad, lil depressing, your imagery was pretty good throughout the piece, felt you rushed it, thought it could have been dwelled on a li bit more, flow was real nice, wordplay was nice, would have liked to see more internals but thats just my style so wordplay was good.....vocab was pretty good, structure was nice...emotion was pretty dope, HoF, it is good.. could b with some add ons to it..

    favorite line was ur last bar! just liked it

    word

    keep on keepin on

    stay ups

  14. #14
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    After those years,he promised to himself,not to be his dad
    A relief from no more tears,nothing else seemed to make him mad
    Growing up even more,he had a new house and a new wife
    Life better than before,he had a child to raise with new rights

    ^Best lines.

    I think you're getting better at this really, your drops arent as unique as they should be, but as you get more OM's, you will find out that so many people have the same approach to topics like these. After you know that, you will start being original. But anyways, your topic was cool, your emotion was very good, and it was a very deep peice. You're better with emotional pieces IMO, keep getting at it and you'll be in the HoF sooner or later. Gettin' better man, keep it up!

  15. #15
    Banned Muweed's Avatar
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    ay.. im fellin it, ya words r cool...
    4 real, ha ha ha ha

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